(47) On the contrary, many a one is in great Anguish, and longs after it, and generates very painfully, he would fain have uit; but then the Devil rushes upon him, and stirs up Irksomeness [Vexation] and Discontent, and also overwhelms him with great Sins, so that he knows not himself, and then dejects him with Impatience and Doubting; and his Heart stands continually in Anguish, it would fain get out of Evil, and endeavours continually for Abstinence or Forbearance, many Times with Groans, Sighing, and Longing, but then the Devil holds his Sins before him, and bars up the Door of the Grace of God, that he might despair.

(17) Now when the Devil had thus thrown it down, then it was silent, and desired not only to write no more, but the Devil rushed in upon it, and beat it along, and would have broken it. He came forth with his sour Apples, and held them before the Soul of this Pen, and would have it eat of his Dainties; also he strewed Sugar upon them [as he did for Eve.] If he had got the Soul again into his Chains, how would he have been revenged on it! as was afterwards known in the Storm, where his Mind was known very well. Now when it was thus, the Lily faded and lost its fragrant Smell, the Pearl hid itself, and the Virgin of the Pearl stood mourning, and the noble Mind sunk down in great Unquietness.

BUT it is not so with them that continually work in the work of this book. For their meditations be but as they were sudden conceits and blind feelings of their own wretchedness, or of the goodness of God; without any means of reading or hearing coming before, and without any special beholding of any thing under God. These sudden conceits and these blind feelings be sooner learned of God than of man. I care not though thou haddest nowadays none other meditations of thine own wretchedness, nor of the goodness of God (I mean if thou feel thee thus stirred by grace and by counsel), but such as thou mayest have in this word SIN, and in this word GOD: or in such other, which as thee list. Not breaking nor expounding these words with curiosity of wit, in beholding after the qualities of these words, as thou wouldest by that beholding increase thy devotion. I trow it should never be so in this case and in this work. But hold them all whole these words; and mean by sin, a lump, thou wottest never what, none other thing but thyself. Me think that in this blind beholding of sin, thus congealed in a lump, none other thing than thyself, it should be no need to bind a madder thing, than thou shouldest be in this time. And yet peradventure, whoso looked upon thee should think thee full soberly disposed in thy body, without any changing of countenance; but sitting or going or lying, or leaning or standing or kneeling, whether thou wert, in a full sober restfulness.

(18) Indeed the Driver said at the Beginning, that it should have Rest with being quiet; but it was Rest only to Flesh and Blood, and yet it was no Quietness neither, but a Furtherance to the Hunting. But when the Mind found itself in great Unquietness of Soul, it recollected the Soul, and sought the Pearl which the Soul had before, and supposed that it lay as a Treasure in the Case of the Soul, but it was gone; and then the Mind sought that [Pearl] in Body and Soul, and behold it was not there, it could not be found; and there was nothing to be seen but the Devil's sour Apples, which were strewed before the Soul, that it should feed on them. But the Soul stood in great Perplexity, and would not eat of its evil Fruit; it called its Virgin, but she sat as if she was asleep.

(28) O beloved Reason! if you understand no more than so, then shut up the Eyes [of your Mind] quite, and search not; continue under Patience in Hope, and let God alone, [he will do well enough,] or else you will fall into the greatest Unquietness, and the Devil will drive you into Despair, who continually [pretends or] gives it forth y, that God did will Evil, [and that] he wills not that all Men should be saved, and therefore he created the Tree of Anger.

(96) Then the Devil mocked the Image, and Hell opened its The Soul. Jaws wide, and had the Bridle in their Essences, and continually drew them therewith towards the hellish Fire of the fierce Wrath; and then there was Trembling and Horror in the Mind, and they could not reach the Love of God. Heaven was their Enemy, no Angel came near them, but the horrible Devils, they showed themselves, and hopped, crying, Ho, ho! we have gotten the Game, we are Princes over Men, we will torment them soundly, because they would have possessed our Throne; we should have been their Footstool, and now we are their Judges; what Care we for God, he dwells not in our Kingdom; why has he thrust us out? we will be sure to wreak our Spleen upon his Image. The most pleasant, and most lovely Gate [or Explanation] of the Promise of the Treader upon the Serpent, highly to be considered.

(16) At length she comes with a subtle Snare, and says, through the Spirit of the great World in the Mind, in himself; O! The Heavens have caused thee to be born to it, that thou dost such foolish Tricks, and would play juggling Feats in thee; thy Gifts are not from God; God has never spoken with thee. And what canst thou know then? Leave off, let it alone, thou mayest be a Christian well enough, and be quiet; let the Priests teach, they have their Wages for it. What hast thou to do with it? Beloved Reader, with these Blows this Pen was once thrown to the Ground, and the Driver would have broken it, but the Breath of God took it up again; therefore it shall write what happened to it, to be an Example for all Well-wishers; and it is an exceedingly precious one.

(28) And though the Devil (in thy Sins) says it cannot be now, thou art too great a Sinner; let not any Thing terrify thee, he is a Liar, and makes thy Mind fearful; he makes as if he was not present, but he is present, and snarls like a mad Dog; and thou mayest know for certain, that all doubting whatsoever, that comes into thy Mind, is nothing else but his Suggestions [and Objections.]

(32) When he sees that he cannot catch [or overcome] Man, by making him doubtful of the Mercy of God, then he makes him careless, so that he accounts all as nothing. He makes his Mind very drowsy, so that he esteems very lightly of himself, as if all was not worth the Looking after: Let Things be as they will, he will not break his Heart, [or trouble his Head,] with it. Let the dPope look after it, they must answer for it. Thus the Mind carelessly passes it over, like a Whirlwind or Stream of Water; concerning which Christ said, The Devil steals the Word out of their Hearts, that they do not apprehend it, nor believe it, that they might be saved; so that it takes no Root.

(4) And yet she wist well, and felt well in herself in a sad soothfastness, that she was a wretch most foul of all other, and that her sins had made a division betwixt her and her God that she loved so much: and also that they were in great part cause of her languishing sickness for lacking of love. But what thereof? Came she therefore down from the height of desire into the deepness of her sinful life, and searched in the foul stinking fen and dunghill of her sins; searching them up, by one and by one, with all the circumstances of them, and sorrowed and wept so upon them each one by itself? Nay, surely she did not so. And why? Because God let her wit by His grace within in her soul, that she should never so bring it about. For so might she sooner have raised in herself an ableness to have oft sinned, than to have purchased by that work any plain forgiveness of all her sins.

(2) And therefore, an I might get a waking and a busy beholding to this ghostly work within in my soul, I would then have a heedlessness in eating and in drinking, in sleeping and in speaking, and in all mine outward doings. For surely I trow I should rather come to discretion in them by such a heedlessness, than by any busy beholding to the same things, as I would by that beholding set a mark and a measure by them. Truly I should never bring it so about, for ought that I could do or say. Say what men say will, and let the proof witness. And therefore lift up thine heart with a blind stirring of love; and mean now sin, and now God. God wouldest thou have, and sin wouldest thou lack. God wanteth thee; and sin art thou sure of. Now good God help thee, for now hast thou need!

(1) BUT now thou askest me, “What is he, this that thus presseth upon me in this work; and whether it is a good thing or an evil? And if it be an evil thing, then have I marvel,” thou sayest, “why that he will increase a man’s devotion so much. For sometimes me think that it is a passing comfort to listen after his tales. For he will sometime, me think, make me weep full heartily for pity of the Passion of Christ, sometime for my wretchedness, and for many other reasons, that me thinketh be full holy, and that done me much good. And therefore me thinketh that he should on nowise be evil; and if he be good, and with his sweet tales doth me so much good withal, then I have great marvel why that thou biddest me put him down and away so far under the cloud of forgetting?”

(3) But now seeing I have in Hand the Articles of Repentance, therefore I certify the Reader, that in my Earnestness this Pen was given me, which the Hunter would have broken, with whom I began an earnest Storm, insomuch that he had cast me down to the Ground under his Feet, but the Breath of God helped me up; so that I stand up, and have the first Pen in my Mind still, wherewith I will write further, though the Devil for Malice should storm Hell.

(3) This sorrow, if it be truly conceived, is full of holy desire: and else might never man in this life abide it nor bear it. For were it not that a soul were somewhat fed with a manner of comfort of his right working, else should he not be able to bear the pain that he hath of the witting and feeling of his being. For as oft as he would have a true witting and a feeling of his God in purity of spirit, as it may be here, and sithen feeleth that he may not—for he findeth evermore his witting and his feeling as it were occupied and filled with a foul stinking lump of himself, the which behoveth always be hated and be despised and forsaken, if he shall be God’s perfect disciple learned of Himself in the mount of perfection—so oft, he goeth nigh mad for sorrow. Insomuch, that he weepeth and waileth, striveth, curseth, and banneth; and shortly to say, him thinketh that he beareth so heavy a burthen of himself that he careth never what betides him, so that God were pleased. And yet in all this sorrow he desireth not to unbe: for that were devil’s madness and despite unto God. But him listeth right well to be; and he intendeth full heartily thanking to God, for the worthiness and the gift of his being, for all that he desire unceasingly for to lack the witting and the feeling of his being.

(49) Therefore he stands often in Doubt and Impatience; and in such a Man there is great Strife; he knows not himself. He sees and knows nothing else but his Wickedness, and yet is born in God; for his Spirit continually breaks the Gate of the Darkness, but then the Anger in him holds him back that he cannot enter in, but yet sometimes he reaches a Glimpse, from whence the Soul is cheered, and the Pearl is sown in a very dark Valley.

(11) Also let a man mark, when he is in this hell, nothing may console him; and he cannot believe that he shall ever be released or comforted. But when he is in heaven, nothing can trouble him; he believeth also that none will ever be able to offend or trouble him, albeit it is indeed true, that after this hell he may be comforted and released, and after this heaven he may be troubled and left without consolation. Again: this hell and this heaven come about a man in such sort, that he knoweth not whence they come; and whether they come to him, or depart from him, he can of himself do nothing towards it. Of these things he can neither give nor take away from himself, bring them nor banish them, but as it is written, “The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof,” that is to say, at this time present, “but thou knowest not whence it cometh, nor whither it goeth.”12 And when a man is in one of these two states, all is right with him, and he is as safe in hell as in heaven, and so long as a man is on earth, it is possible for him to pass ofttimes from the one into the other; nay even within the space of a day and night, and all without his own doing. But when the man is in neither of these two states he holdeth converse with the creature, and wavereth hither and thither, and knoweth not what manner of man he is. Therefore he shall never forget either of them, but lay up the remembrance of them in his heart.

(14) And I entered into that house, and it was hot as fire and cold as ice: there were no delights of life therein: fear covered me, and trembling got hold upon me.